I am on hiatus from God.  He and I are at odds right now.  I know that sounds so a) horrible b) candid c) blasphemous d) all the above.

So.... I thought I would explain.

I know all the cliche sayings (God doesn't give you more than you can handle; God doesn't give you what you want - he gives you what you need....blah blah blah)

So..here I am almost two years after my X-husband left, still trying to figure out WHAT is the reason or lesson or benefit I am to get or learn from this.

Certainly, my daughters aren't benefitting from this.  They now have two houses; split between their Father and I and, not only do they not have a full-time Mom or Dad- they now have Nannies that watch them at least 40% of the time because their Father basically subsituted me for a Nanny to watch them while he continues to work 70+ hours a week.  He claims its quality and not quantity when it comes to our daughters.  SERIOUSLY????  So, he can come home at 7pm +/- Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and put them to bed two hours later (after the Nanny gives them dinner, etc) and spend 1/2 day either Saturday or Sunday with them and that is quality time with this children?

I didn't get married and have children to only have them half the time.  Are you kidding me?  AND THE FREAKING COURTS THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?  THIS IS BENEFICIAL TO OUR CHILDREN?  Having others raise our children as opposed to their Mother having them while the X-Husband is working and then having the Mother have to work too and put our children into Daycare or a Nanny watch them?  That is acceptable?  Are you kidding?

I am aware of the fact that I need a job and need to move on with my life.  But you know who hurts from the divorce - the children.  My girls still dream that their Mother and Father will get together and it will always haunt them that we are apart. 

So...I am really struggling right now to find the benefit of all this.  I don't miss my husband.  BUT, I do miss my family.  I miss doing things as a family, eating dinnner togehter, enjoying vacations, watching movies together, etc.

I know this isn't God's fault.  It isn't him that caused my x to do things he did or continues to do, but I thought by now it would be better, but I haven't gotten there yet.

A weight has been lifted from my shoulders - it weighed approximately 175lbs and was 5'7" and 46 years old.  Yes, that is my now (as of October 24, 2011), ex-husband.  With that said, I am currently attempting to start my life over.  You see, I have to be out of OUR marital home by March....